Coming out...sort of

So this past week has been quite lively as I wrapped up Nanowrimo. I crossed the finish line a few days ago and I celebrated by actually seeing people. I had coffee with a friend who knows about my secret identity as a romance writer. I told him about an upcoming book deal and he, praisingly, told a mutual friend of ours who promptly congratulated me when we ran into each other on the sidewalk the following day. I was confused as to why she was congratulating me. Then she said, "for your book deal." I was somewhat taken aback but the acknowledgment felt nice.

Part of my choice to stay quiet about my identity has been that I am, by nature, the kind of person who dislikes attention. I don't know how to accept praise. I don't deal well with either compliments or criticism. I found in my other writing work that my ego was in a horrible place after things like readings. I suppose I prefer to observe others than be aware that I, too, am observed sometimes.

Last night and tonight, I told a whopping 12 or so people about my secret career. I was at a social function one night and there were many writers there so talking about Nanowrimo felt perfectly natural. Tonight I told my writing group - people who have taken my Creative Writing class in the past and who know me as a writing teacher. It was a vulnerable thing to do, but I wanted them to know. I wanted them to share in my excitement of having found a process and a form of vocation that works for me right now. I didn't share my chosen name and asked them to respect that it might take me a while to share everything and I might not at all. They respected it and even asserted that there is no shame in writing romance. I agree - I've been an avid romance consumer my entire adult life.

Part of my reluctance stems from knowing how my ego responds in my other professional writing life. I consider it a great privilege to be a writer and I love writing, but I find the business of it - the public life of it - entirely horrifying. I hate having to do social media as a writer (so I don't) and I hate being the center of attention at a reading. I actually don't like doing readings at all. Having a public persona or even being in public at all for that matter feels very far away from the act of creation. That's the side of it that intrigues me. That's the part I like. The rest of it is just a requirement.

I suppose that the pleasure of secrecy is, in part, avoiding the work of self-promotion. And the experiment for me lies in how this will affect my ego. So far, I find the act of writing erotic romance incredibly enjoyable and perhaps that is because I am only doing it for me and for me and my readers. In the past, I made the mistake of falling into the trap of identity as a specific kind of writer. I don't want to make that mistake anymore. I just want to write what inspires me. I hope that makes sense.

Living the dream

The sun is shining. I have coffee and I'm off work today. The cat is chilled out. My writing space is cozy and warm. This is my heaven.

Funny how that works

So I've been busy with Nanowrimo lately and suddenly my mind is flooded with more stories than I can humanly write. There are so many hot characters in my head and they all want their stories told. What's a girl to do?

I'm trying to keep up by taking breaks from the novel to jot down snippets of new stories that I promise myself I'll write after the month is over. Right now I'm almost at the mid-point of the novel and that's exciting, like reaching the summit of a mountain. The downhill slope will feel easier. At least that's what I think from my perspective right now. Who knows? Writing has a funny way of surprising the writer. It's entirely non-linear, non-neat, non-categorizable. That's what makes the process so fun. You just never know what's coming next.

Personally, I find Nanowrimo to be a fun way to write because the momentum is great. Bad for my poor wrists, but great for the story. Happy Nanoing to all the Wrimos out there.

Irony

So I'm taking part in the famously crazy and awesome Nanowrimo this month, working on a sister story to the one that....drum roll, please....my editor at Totally Bound wants to publish! Yay! It's called All I Ever Wanted and I'll write about it later, when I know more about the release day. I'm in a busy time now with edits coming up. And now this new story, which my editor actually suggested as a spin-off from All I Ever Wanted. It is so fun and delightful. I'm over the moon.

The irony, of course, is that while I'm obsessing over these hot and heavy stories, I am also missing my lover terribly. It's torture. Delicious torture, I'll admit, but torture just the same. There's really nothing like a month of letting the leg hair grow, sweeping house work and all other responsibilities under the rug to follow the steamy story of my latest heroine.

I'm patient and so is my lover and we're both excited about this. There is really nothing that rivals the feeling of living the dream life. It's all good.

The Fondue

I came across this free story site the other day and thought I'd add a little sensual flash fiction to the mix.  The fall weather makes me crave rich desserts like chocolate fondue. Time to pull out the sweaters and indulge a little.

Desire in Long Term Relationships

Esther Perel gets it. This TED talk is really worth a watch, whether you are in a long term relationship or not. Can we want what we already have? Oh, yes. I believe we can.

"Sometimes I sits and thinks...

Sometimes I just sits."

Remember that poster? My guidance counselor had it in her office nice to one with a kitten clutching onto a laundry line that read 'Hang in there'.

Lately I've had my head down. I'm working a lot. I'm hanging in. Sometimes it feels like all I do is 'sits and thinks', which is a big part of the writing process, but it's also an annoying part. (Where are my dang pages? Why aren't they piling up like they used to?)

Last night I hung out with my friend who is a screen writer. She is all about structure and we had a great debate about plot structure and romance/erotica. (She has written four screenplays in that genre.) Personally, I'm not one for following the set formula, but it was hard to justify myself to her. Our conversation really got me thinking.

Do love interests really have to have a 'cute meeting'? It makes me think of all the Meg Ryan movies I watched growing up. Goofy lady spills coffee on handsome guy. Their eyes meet. She's so cute, he doesn't care that his shirt is ruined. Maybe it's just me being a bad writer, but it seems a bit trite to follow these rules. But then I wonder how far a writer can veer out of the convention before the story totally falls apart and doesn't belong in the romance genre at all anymore.

I guess that's what I like about erotic fiction as opposed to romance. My understanding of erotic fiction is that encompasses anything that involves overtly sexual scenes that are intended to arouse. Plot structure is a bonus, but the story doesn't have to follow any kind of predictable unfolding.

The challenge for me as a writer is that the formulas seem boring and trite and my impulse to write is at least partly motivated by a desire to step out of the mould. But to a certain extent you have to give the reader what the reader wants, especially in genre fiction. That's my understanding anyway. But doesn't the reader also want to step out of the tired old patterns?

Must there always be that beat where the main character sees her love interest with a beautiful woman and huffs off ready to break up only to discover later that her boyfriend has a sister?

I guess the real issue is this. I was happy writing erotic fiction for the past couple of years, but recently I have started to want to write romance. Erotic romance, of course. And with romance comes formulas and cliches. I guess it's like any other type of genre writing. It's best to work within the genre's form, but to find a way to tell a fresh story. That's the challenge.

I've got a couple of awesome characters on my hands these days. I'm a little bit in love with both of them, so that helps. They don't seem to want to behave the way characters in romance novels often behave. They struggle with grieving and ambitions and societal pressures and they're kind of quiet. (I wonder where they get that from - heh heh.) And there's a scene with a dying dog that I really don't want to take out, but any 'expert' on romance would tell me it doesn't belong in a romance. Nobody wants to think about dying pets. Not hot. Not appropriate. But the way my characters bond over the incident is pretty telling.

So I return to the poster wisdom from the counselor's office at my old high school. I am a chimpanzee scratching my chin. Hmmm. Sometimes I sits and thinks. Sometimes I just sits.