So this past week has been quite lively as I wrapped up Nanowrimo. I crossed the finish line a few days ago and I celebrated by actually seeing people. I had coffee with a friend who knows about my secret identity as a romance writer. I told him about an upcoming book deal and he, praisingly, told a mutual friend of ours who promptly congratulated me when we ran into each other on the sidewalk the following day. I was confused as to why she was congratulating me. Then she said, "for your book deal." I was somewhat taken aback but the acknowledgment felt nice.
Part of my choice to stay quiet about my identity has been that I am, by nature, the kind of person who dislikes attention. I don't know how to accept praise. I don't deal well with either compliments or criticism. I found in my other writing work that my ego was in a horrible place after things like readings. I suppose I prefer to observe others than be aware that I, too, am observed sometimes.
Last night and tonight, I told a whopping 12 or so people about my secret career. I was at a social function one night and there were many writers there so talking about Nanowrimo felt perfectly natural. Tonight I told my writing group - people who have taken my Creative Writing class in the past and who know me as a writing teacher. It was a vulnerable thing to do, but I wanted them to know. I wanted them to share in my excitement of having found a process and a form of vocation that works for me right now. I didn't share my chosen name and asked them to respect that it might take me a while to share everything and I might not at all. They respected it and even asserted that there is no shame in writing romance. I agree - I've been an avid romance consumer my entire adult life.
Part of my reluctance stems from knowing how my ego responds in my other professional writing life. I consider it a great privilege to be a writer and I love writing, but I find the business of it - the public life of it - entirely horrifying. I hate having to do social media as a writer (so I don't) and I hate being the center of attention at a reading. I actually don't like doing readings at all. Having a public persona or even being in public at all for that matter feels very far away from the act of creation. That's the side of it that intrigues me. That's the part I like. The rest of it is just a requirement.
I suppose that the pleasure of secrecy is, in part, avoiding the work of self-promotion. And the experiment for me lies in how this will affect my ego. So far, I find the act of writing erotic romance incredibly enjoyable and perhaps that is because I am only doing it for me and for me and my readers. In the past, I made the mistake of falling into the trap of identity as a specific kind of writer. I don't want to make that mistake anymore. I just want to write what inspires me. I hope that makes sense.
